


Conspiracy to Commit Parenthood

by DestinyFreeReally



Category: Archer (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2016-01-11
Packaged: 2018-05-13 04:49:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5695432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DestinyFreeReally/pseuds/DestinyFreeReally
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How a shit-faced Lana and a determined Mallory develop a plan to get Lana pregnant and Mallory a grandchild... basically a fan theory of the idea of AJ</p>
            </blockquote>





	Conspiracy to Commit Parenthood

     "What? It's not like you'd have to _tell_ Sterling. Tell him and the office stooges it's a random, anonymous, sperm donor baby." Mallory tried to keep the derision off her tongue and slugged back another Tom Collins, smooth and rough and perfect, it settled. Much like her plan. Of course at first, she hadn't been  _serious,_ but what would be the harm? Everyone would get exactly what they wanted.  
  
     Lana was six drinks in, so miserable she actually worked herself all the way back around to happy. She'd barely been listening to Mallory over Thursday night cocktails, drowning in sorrows that totally didn't mean she was  _baby crazy._ It's not like she was getting any younger, though. Her college dreams had fell through, she was a kick ass spy, and it'd been only shit-ass boyfriend after shit-ass boyfriend, and the only regularity in her life were these Thursday night shit shows with Mallory Archer.  _Way to go, Agent Kane._ It surprised Lana to weave back into the conversation to find that Mallory had actually been listening to her concerns and was actually trying to help. It was a bad idea, using Archer's sperm to spawn a child. The Mallory DNA. Mallory and  _what_ even Lana didn't know.   
  
     He wasn't such a bad guy all the time, Lana contemplated with her vodka tonic. She'd pictured a family with him once.  _Pretty much always in this state of mind,_ she reminded herself. It was a bad idea. So why did it sound so promising? Mallory couldn't be serious.   
   
     "Having Archer father a child without him knowing, isn't that..... _kiiiinda_ shitty?" She was talking to herself more than anything. She'd pictured a family with Cyril too, for fractional milliseconds. She snorted at the idea almost immediately. Cyril was supposed to be the good guy but he hadn't been. Lana had had way too many drinks over  _that_ already. It was time for something else. "Then again, what does Archer hate?"  
  
     "Seeing my happiness and keeping it in his pants?" Mallory deadpanned, it was how she worked.   
  
     "Yes, and yes, but also committed responsibilities. I mean, could he have a child? Like a serious every day dad-type. That poor kid." She slurped out a stray, alcohol-fueled burp. "No offense."  
  
     "None taken. You'll see how it is when you have a tiny screaming infant in your hands and damn Russian ex-militia coming for you in full force after you-....well. You'll see how it is." Sometimes Mallory let herself think fondly of Sterling's childhood. She'd done a lot of it without help, she prided herself on that. And it wasn't exactly like he was working tirelessly on his own flaws. He was a grown man.   
  
     "You know.... you're not really selling it." One deep breath and Lana felt sobered up. She felt ready. "You'd have to swear to never tell him."  
  
     "Of course."  
   
     "Or the baby."  _The baby. Archer's baby. Her and Archer's baby._ When Lana pictured them having a few kids, or just the one, she always imagined it...the old fashioned way. Even if Archer was a shit ass he was always really good at... _that._ Wildly intoxicated, mildly concussed.... _shot._ But this way could be easier for everyone. Archer wouldn't have to commit to anything, she wouldn't have to have a stranger's child, and she could bring a tiny baby into the world. The big scary world where she was kick ass spy and probably a single mother. Suddenly sitting across from Mallory Archer seemed..haunting; like a good wake up call.   
  
     "Can we talk about names?" Mallory waved to the bartender for another drink and sighed. "I was thinking..... Mallory. Mallory Kane."  
  
     "Um, don't take this the wrong way, but I'm gonna haveta go with a big, fat giant 'no.'  _Hypothetically._ What if it's a boy?" A scene flashed in Lana's mind of Archer pacing in a delivery room, probably half drunk and worried and ready to  _care_ about literally anything, and then she shrugged that fantasy away. She had more than enough love for herself and a baby; _more than enough_.   
       
  



End file.
